Building a bridge

Friday, May 16, 2008

Sometimes I feel like I'm building a bridge in my life,
over all the crap and problems I never want to deal with.

I just keep building up a long, huge bridge over everything, only discovering I'll have to deal with it sometime later. Whether it's schoolwork, or just my own issues, they always seem to come back and haunt me.

I feel very "thoughtful" right now. I'm actually in a song writing mood, but I don't think I'll ever get around to writing some music tonight. Perhaps tomorrow, after a good night's sleep and some breakfast. I once made a sort of oath thing to write a new song every month, but it really didn't ever work out.

I've spent a lot of time thinking today. Thinking about summer, thinking about my friends, and just plain old thinking. I think I've come to the conclusion that in my first 2 years of high school, I've accomplished a lot...but I've also slacked off a little too much. I know I'm a procrastinator, but at some point you've got to pull a string across the path and trip yourself - just to wake up your mind and realize you're wasting so much time.

And I actually spent a lot of time thinking about relationships today. It seems like everywhere I turn in high school, everyone is talking about who is dating who, who broke up with who, who did what with who, and you know what...people all say that they really don't give a crap about it but I know they really do. Deep down they really care, and if someone hadn't told them about the latest news, they'd feel left out of a circle they feel like they need to belong in.

Even I say I don't care, and of course part of me does, and part of me doesn't. I like to be in on what's happening, but hearing all of this relationship drama depresses me. Not in the "oh, I wish I had a boyfriend" sort of depressing, or a "I feel so left out without a boyfriend" attitude. Don't even think I'm going to ramble on about how I wish some guy would sweep me off my feet and carry me away to Disneyland or something.

I'm over that,

I've learned in the past 10 months that guys are just something I don't want to deal with. Everyone in their lifetime will be hurt by someone. You can't avoid that. It's physically impossible. We'll all feel heartbroken, we'll all cry, and basically all of us will be hurt one way or the other.

Depressing huh?
I've been through it, I know it.

I have this phobia about being hurt by people who are close to me. Maybe that's why I don't want to start dating. I don't think it's a good thing though...because you're not always hurt by boyfriends or girlfriends, you can be hurt by parents, friends, teachers, etc.

I hate being hurt, and I don't ever want to be hurt again.
That's why relationship talk depresses me.

Every so often people do work out, and marriage and the happy ending comes or whatever, but we're in high school. People wake up. We're in high school. I mean really, how many of us are actually mature enough to handle a real relationship? I'm not, you're probably not, and your friends probably aren't either.

Get over it.

I don't want to hear about your boyfriends, and your crushes, and how much you love them, until you prove to me that you are serious about it, and being mature about it.

So shut up about it.

Because bottom line, you're probably going to get hurt.
You're going to cry.
And I'm not going to be that shoulder for you to lean on.

Life is a learning process people,
Find your own way though it.

"We are all a little weird, and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join them in mutual weirdness, and call it love"

Respectfully submitted,


  1. The bottom part really convicted me

    I find that most often, we [you, me, the whole human population] seek affirmation for the wrong things.

    "Oh my gosh, do you like my gf/bf?"

    or we look for the gf/bf, as a sign of affirmation, showing that we need them to like us and make us feel loved.

    We also want everyone else to feel happy about our shallow relationships, and that in turn creates bitterness

    I realize I have been guilty of that at times.

    I am in a relationship right now, in which I am very happy, and the odds are very slim in the statistics of long distance relationships working out.

    I know that if I keep my focus on God and stay strongly rooted in my faith I will be happy :]


    what I also think about relationships is this; "you are dating somebody else's future husband or wife, treat them with the same care that you would want in a spouse."

    I know this all doesn't make complete sense, but to sum up

    I find that I too can be all "high schooler" about relationships ex."oh my gosh I SOOO love her" blah blah blah. But staying rooted in my faith helps me out so much. [it really has] And knowing that there are people that are realistic about marriage and dating is reassuring, because I see, just like you, too many times people being heartbroken and its the same story, love for 5 weeks and then a tragic breakup that involves some random person and a lack of commitment.

    Thank you for your honesty
    It is greatly appreciated.

    You are a wonderful woman of God
    and you are a dear friend

    I am going to miss you when I go off to college, even if it is just to Reedley :]