Sunday, July 01, 2012

Honesty is so important.
Sometimes, you need to be honest to receive the answers you need.
Sometimes, those answers come in the form of a song by Bright Eyes.
And today, honesty has proved to be more important than ever.

An excerpt from my journal...

God, I know I shouldn't be angry and frustrated Lord, but God - things are so hard right now. I don't understand anything...why it happens. Why you let stuff like this happen. I know I need to trust you but you know how hard that is for me, especially in times like this. I'm so lost God. I'm so confused and I just wish I could understand, see this with your eyes and come to realize why this is part of your plan. God, it's so hard. It's so hard to feel okay. Father, if I could receive anything right now, it would just be reassurance that you are still here. That you haven't left me and that everything will be okay. It's just hard to feel that way now...not with all that happened in the past week. But you are good. And you will always be. In a Bright Eyes song, in my heavy heart, and while I fight tears.

I'm done God. I'm like an empty shell that only accepts anger and frustration when I get down like this. You will always love me. You always will, even when I'm messy and fighting. And that love destroys me. Kills me, because you shouldn't love me. Not when I act like this. When I deny you the glory and obedience you deserve. Yet you continue to pull me back to you because you need all of me. Even the messy and angry parts. You want it all. God, I'm finished. I can't do this anymore. I need you to fill me again. With joy. Peace. Faith. Something that glorifies you. I'm tired of the self-centeredness and disappointments. I have you, and that's all that i need. All I will ever need. Help me to realize that and accept that love you are giving to me. I need you tonight God. I just need you to fill me again. Remind me that you are still here and that you haven't left. That you won't leave me. Ever.

Respectfully submitted,