sometimes i wonder...

Friday, July 06, 2012

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I saw everything through God's eyes.

When I endured trials, tribulations, and heartbreaks, if I could see it as God sees it.

See it with the purpose that it entails, the beauty that it will bring afterwards, the importance of what it will do to me and my life.

Sometimes I wonder.

I wonder why I've been through what I've been through. I wonder why God is teaching me so much about patience. I wonder why I am so easily frustrated. I wonder why God made me to be 5' 10". I wonder about a lot of stuff.

This week, I've been wondering more than usual.

It's okay to question. It's okay to think things through. It's okay to imagine, dream, study, learn, and wonder. It's Friday night and I'm still wondering. About my life, right now, and the future. I'm wondering about what this next year will hold, where I will go, who I will meet, and how I will change. How I will develop into the woman God wants me to become.

There is a big difference between worrying and wondering. I've come to realize that difference this week. Where worrying is self-centered and conscious of the worst-case-scenarios, wondering takes a different route. It thinks through possibilities, the best case scenarios, the memories, the hopes, and the dreams. It is not negative. It is productive. It makes your brain tick, it makes you think, it makes you evaluate. I enjoying wondering. It makes you aware of the world you are in, how you really feel deep down past the exterior you put on for show, it forces you to be honest with yourself. 

I need to be honest with myself more. I can't make myself believe that everything is okay when it isn't. God has spoken the importance of honesty into my life, and I know that pretending like you are doing great when you aren't doesn't help anyone - especially you. I have found a joy and peace this week under the bright moon and stars in the Nelder Grove Campgrounds that helped me remember that I am okay. I just need help remembering, believing, and living that out. And being honest when I'm not. And being honest when I need help with that. 

Do you ever get that feeling that God is about to shake up your world?
That's been me this entire week. 

He's been moving and shifting and changing and adapting and teaching and doing so much in my life. Just in the span of 7 days, I feel as though my world has taken on the persona of a snow globe, and God is a little kid at Christmas who won't put it down. Who watches the tiny snow flakes float to the bottom of the glass ball, then flips it over and shakes it up again. But he's not doing it to annoy the tiny Santa Claus and Rudolph figures - he's doing it because he delights in it. He finds joy in it. It makes me smile. And I feel like that's what God's been doing in my life this week. 

Sorry for this scatterbrained post. 

I'm exhausted, this week has been crazy, I just opened a new bag of goldfish and my hair is still wet from my shower. My mind is everywhere right now and I don't know how to write a post centered on one thing. I have a feeling this range of emotions is going to carry well into next week - or the rest of this summer. Regardless, God is good, and he will be forever.

I need a nap.

Respectfully submitted,

PS: preview of next week: 
tunics. hats. horns. laughter. cheers. cooking over a grill. hamlet adventures. town meetings. robin hood.
boom, crack, pow - onomonoleah is headin' to sherwood.