Friday, September 07, 2012

Two weeks down.

That's all I have to say.

I'm sitting here, munching on Trader Joe's Olive Oil Popcorn (great buy, in case you were wondering), listening to a moderate dance party go on in my section's lounge, on a blessed Friday evening in Armington A1. Life as an RA has been incredible, slightly draining, extremely hilarious, and all together good.

I don't know what I should write about, my insanely amazing section who continually surprises and blesses me everyday, or my classes that are pulling on every string of my mind, making me leave class rejuvenated and inspired. I could write about how much I miss my life abroad, when I feel a tug for adventure and a lack of excitement in the normal routine of MWF academia and T/TH physical education. I could write about a lot of things, but regardless, I need to write.

Not blogging for two weeks has left me very full. I write to release, to get things off my chest, to help me process this crazy and emotional year I've had this far, and to literally keep me sane. I write because it helps me make sense when I am overwhelmed. And if one thing has been present over the past two weeks, it is that I am overwhelmed.

The negative connotation that comes with that word is, to say the least, overwhelming. Every time I say I'm overwhelmed, suddenly everyone becomes my mother, wrapping me in a comforting hug, asking me what's wrong, trying to pry open the iron gates of my heart in an effort to help me feel less overwhelmed. And that doesn't really help much. I mean, sure it feels great for a moment, to know that someone cares, but I don't thrive off of that. There are times when that is what I need, but not now.

The overwhelmed feeling I am experiencing, and have been experiencing for a while is one that I have come to terms with it. I am learning to be at peace with it. I am learning to be okay with it. Where this summer, being overwhelmed led to feelings of frustrations and irritations with the lack of movement in situations in my life, now being overwhelmed feels almost normal. And routine. Something that I'm slowly becoming comfortable with. Because that's where I'm supposed to be right now. There is nothing wrong with feeling overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed with emotions. Overwhelmed with responsibilities. My future. My past. Situations. Hopes. Struggles. Fears. Basically, life in general.

Walk with subtle and humble confidence - that where you are now is where you are meant to be, and where you are headed is where God is leading you.

That has been my life motto since this summer. That where I am is where I am meant to be. Even if where I am is a constant state of feeling overwhelmed, maybe that's where God wants me right now. And that is what he told me time and time again this summer, each time where I got utterly fed up and frustrated with this stupid idea in my little fallen mind that God wasn't doing anything. That He wasn't moving the chess pieces in my favor and making things work out the way they should. When I returned to my current state of square 1, which was feeling overwhelmed, he spoke to me in quiet and reassuring words...

Beloved, be at peace.
I know you are overwhelmed.
I see that.
I understand.
But this is not a bad thing.
This is where you are meant to be.
And understand, my child,
Try your hardest to understand,
Being overwhelmed is okay.

I am okay. I am okay after sleepless nights worrying about how I am going to balance this insanely busy semester, where weeks seem packed to the brim with every activity and exam possible. I am okay. I am okay when figuring out how this year will look, from developing relationships with my residents and trying to continue and foster friendships from years past. I am okay. I am okay after a 2 hour phone conversation where I finally unpacked emotional turmoil from this summer and found myself in tears on my floor, listening to the calm and steady voice of a close friend reminding me, "This is not your crutch. This is not your downfall." I am okay.

I may be overwhelmed, but I am okay.

I am reassured that this awkward season of my life will pass. That there will come a day when I wake up in the morning and my first thought is not, "when is the next possible time I can take a nap," where I will be able to breathe in and understand fully and completely that this is where I am supposed to be. I am looking forward to that day, but also learning so much by being forced to locate, realize, and graciously accept the blessings that come with being overwhelmed.

Luckily, I have found my escape through my amazing residents.

Ones who stay up late with me watching youtube videos till the wee hours of the morning, have Friday dance parties to Rebecca Black's famous tune, enjoy hilarious family dinners with "The Messenger," and somehow always find a way to make me smile and stop taking life so seriously. I have been blessed so much by them in just two weeks, and the anticipation and excitement for how that will continue in this next year is incredible.

But now it is almost midnight, I have a stack of dirty dishes to do, and much needed sleep awaiting me.

Blessings upon you, readers.
May you find much needed sleep as well.

Respectfully submitted,


  1. this brought a smile to my face reading this. so thankful that you are our RA this year and all the time that you put in to making us feel at home. we love you, our dance parties, and our family dinners too. thank you for being our wonderful RA!