Monday, December 10, 2012

You know that thing, where you say you're going to update your blog with a pretty heavy post during Thanksgiving break, but then you get swamped with work and end up waiting until FINALS WEEK of all times to actually do that?

Yeah, that's my current life. Sorry-not sorry.

I don't know if this is going to turn out to be a serious blog post, because there is a lot of stuff weighing pretty heavily on my heart right now that I want to write about, but my brain is already fried from day one of studying for finals this week. I can't bring myself to write about what is currently on my mind, behind the looming exams and days full of studying approaching.

#finalsweek has become the slogan among my friend group lately.

Today, while studying we voiced this phrase time and time again, in funny situations that only seem to occur during that one week of the school year when the library is actually packed, when coffee becomes more precious than money, the DC actually serves worthwhile food, and all of a sudden...everyone is studying. Finals week is here.

Oi. It was one year ago during this time that I was preparing for my hellweek of finals. 5 exams. 4 days. 1 very exhausted girl. But that's a given when you take 18 units, as I did and with only 15 on my plate this semester, I have been spared only 3 exams across 2 days, but unfortunately  a lot of little things to take care of before I can stick a fork in this semester and call it done.

Not to mention my mind has been on a high speed roller-coaster the past week. I won't lie to you, it's been really rough. And now, instead of heading into finals week with clear eyes, full heart, and a can't lose attitude, I'm beginning this week with a worn-out mentality and a yearning to just be done. Done with academia for the semester. Done with personal struggles. Done with frustration. Just...done. With all of it.

Anything that makes you fight, makes you work, pushes you down a little and makes you get back up on your own means one thing. It's gotta be something worthwhile. Keeping that in the forefront of my mind has boosted my determination, my motivation, understanding that the finish line is so incredibly close, and it will be worth it. But this is a finish line that I can actually see. I know when I reach Saturday evening, I will have reached the finish line for this semester. I know I will be done. But what about the other things in my life? How much longer do I have to fight and work to be done with all of that? There is not finish line in sight. I don't know how far down the road it is. It is another one of those unknowns of life.

I found myself walking through campus over to faculty housing tonight, for a small get together at a professor's house. The air was crisp, my hands stuffed into the pockets of my gray peacoat, reminiscent of chilly days in Istanbul, complete with my bright red scarf poking out of the top of my jacket. I took the familiar route over to the path leading into faculty housing, and looked up to the sky. I stopped.

The stars are out tonight. Those little twinkling lights that never fail to miss a chance to shine. To blink so rapidly in the sky we don't notice, to take their place in the darkness, creating constellations and figurines, capturing my attention for more than a moment. I love the night sky. It has been there through it all. I spent a freezing evening in the back-country of Turkey counting the same constellations I see every summer in California, a weird reminder of where I am. It brings back a lot of memories, of laying in the grass and watching the sky at 5,000 ft. Seeing the milky way in it's full entirety. Counting the stars in the big dipper with wonderful friends and conversations to match. The star-filled night sky was out during my happiest memory and my least. It is a reminder of incredibly vast this universe is. And how incredibly big our God is. And how insanely and ridiculously small I am.

I stared at the stars for a while, watching them twinkle, do their nightly routine that I so easily pass by. Faces and places and memories raced through my head. I finally tore my gaze away from the night sky and continued my walk. My mind felt a little more full, despite already reaching maximum capacity this afternoon with stacks upon stacks of notes and study guides. But it did bring a lot into perspective. I am small. This week is just another week. These days of exams will pass by in the same amount as any other day, the 24 hours do not change just because I have a hefty test approaching and green books which need to be written in. This too, shall pass.

There is a lot more left to write about.

I feel like at any given moment I could reach my hand into my brain and draw out a little slip of paper with another concept or idea or memory I could etch an entire blog post about. But this is it for tonight. There shall come another time for another slip of paper.

Happy finals week, Westmont.

Go well.
Stay well.

Respectfully submitted,